Her deepest fears


Okay it’s been so long that I have not written anything apart from posting few songs on my blog. Today I am really happy after a very long time. And I do not know why. Maybe I know.. Oh …its a mixed feeling.
How do you feel when you meet someone as fucked up as you?
Great ! Perfect ! Sad !
Great because finally you have found another embryo as defunct as you.
Perfect because now you both can share the same shit that you have been trying way hard to explain to others
Sad because even this human being will go away from you one day.
Well many of them might think, I am a very negative minded bitch. But wait….

Why am I even writing all these?

My good friend Hiteshika asked me to pen down something on the topic “Fear” and hence I thought of using one of my personal experiences as a blog post today.

Once upon a time, my definition of fear was walking alone in a dark room.

During my teens it was the fear of missing out the important action in the school

During my college days it was the fear of jeopardizing my career due to my over emphasis to extra-curricular activities

Now… I have to fear nothing …except one fear…

Its THANTOPHOBIA – The fear of losing someone you love.

It could be the fear of losing ¬†your parents, friends or someone special in your life. But, the constant fear of they leaving you permanently sends chills down my spine. It is so much evident that one or the other day we all have to die. But, my point is …. let them die peacefully, after they have fulfilled everything in their life… not in midway….not in a rush…not leaving a big black hole in the hearts of others.

People come up with strange theories like

  1. Probably he/she was too good that’s why God decided to take them away
  2. Maybe his/her time was up
  3. Maybe he/she was sent to do this
  4. Maybe that person was just not good enough to keep your promises
  5. Maybe that person was …. blah bla bla

Fuck you all. Fuck God… Fuck every mother effing theory like this. No God should ever (if he exists) do this to anyone. That he gives the eternal happiness at one point and snatches it right when you start believing that this happiness is yours. And what the fuck do you mean by his/her time was up….

Some theories really fuck up my anger so much that I just feel like punching right on their faces. Losing someone is lonely, terrible, painful and if you have an amazing group of friends who say “Come on… life is like that. You need to get involved in something… You are feeling this way because you are jobless” Then here is what you guys deserve

$_3

P.S Buds understand that “Nobody grieves just because they are happy doing it.”

They are doing that shit because they lost the most inevitable piece of their soul along with the departed soul/asshole.

It’s not just about those mother fucking memories. It’s about the hole they leave in your hearts and the big vacuum chambers that they give you …. You try spirituality, you try meditation, yoga, gym, travelling…. and all that shit and in the end realize that nothing helps except you yourself deciding to end this pain.

Whether it’s by hanging yourself to a fan or kicking the shit out of life…. you decide that enough is enough and let me put an end to it. You happily march to the local store, purchase a mask and wear it like Heath Ledger “Why so serious”.

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Like Joker, you keep smiling and keep confusing masses … making them think Life is so beautiful. You don’t allow anyone to dive deep into your heart and fathom the pain you are hiding the whole day.

Smile a lot… and as Joker says it’s easy than explaining what’s killing you inside. Let people think you have moved on from the trauma and think that you have bounced back. Because they would anyways not understand that

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal”.*

But hey , what about the fear that you have masked behind the mask?

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It still exists… It will endure. It thrives forever. Because the fear knows you are a chicken and you love people indefinitely until you have the last piece of soul to trade with the pain. And I have now come to terms with this fear. I have given up fighting against it. I don’t want to conquer it. I want it to conquer me. To infest on me… and to feed all the left overs of my soul. Because I can’t give up on life… at least let the fear do the job for me. For what better job does it have other than invoking fear?

What’s your biggest fear?

*One of my fav quotes from an Irish Tombstone