Her deepest fears

Okay it’s been so long that I have not written anything apart from posting few songs on my blog. Today I am really happy after a very long time. And I do not know why. Maybe I know.. Oh …its a mixed feeling.
How do you feel when you meet someone as fucked up as you?
Great ! Perfect ! Sad !
Great because finally you have found another embryo as defunct as you.
Perfect because now you both can share the same shit that you have been trying way hard to explain to others
Sad because even this human being will go away from you one day.
Well many of them might think, I am a very negative minded bitch. But wait….

Why am I even writing all these?

My good friend Hiteshika asked me to pen down something on the topic “Fear” and hence I thought of using one of my personal experiences as a blog post today.

Once upon a time, my definition of fear was walking alone in a dark room.

During my teens it was the fear of missing out the important action in the school

During my college days it was the fear of jeopardizing my career due to my over emphasis to extra-curricular activities

Now… I have to fear nothing …except one fear…

Its THANTOPHOBIA – The fear of losing someone you love.

It could be the fear of losing  your parents, friends or someone special in your life. But, the constant fear of they leaving you permanently sends chills down my spine. It is so much evident that one or the other day we all have to die. But, my point is …. let them die peacefully, after they have fulfilled everything in their life… not in midway….not in a rush…not leaving a big black hole in the hearts of others.

People come up with strange theories like

  1. Probably he/she was too good that’s why God decided to take them away
  2. Maybe his/her time was up
  3. Maybe he/she was sent to do this
  4. Maybe that person was just not good enough to keep your promises
  5. Maybe that person was …. blah bla bla

Fuck you all. Fuck God… Fuck every mother effing theory like this. No God should ever (if he exists) do this to anyone. That he gives the eternal happiness at one point and snatches it right when you start believing that this happiness is yours. And what the fuck do you mean by his/her time was up….

Some theories really fuck up my anger so much that I just feel like punching right on their faces. Losing someone is lonely, terrible, painful and if you have an amazing group of friends who say “Come on… life is like that. You need to get involved in something… You are feeling this way because you are jobless” Then here is what you guys deserve


P.S Buds understand that “Nobody grieves just because they are happy doing it.”

They are doing that shit because they lost the most inevitable piece of their soul along with the departed soul/asshole.

It’s not just about those mother fucking memories. It’s about the hole they leave in your hearts and the big vacuum chambers that they give you …. You try spirituality, you try meditation, yoga, gym, travelling…. and all that shit and in the end realize that nothing helps except you yourself deciding to end this pain.

Whether it’s by hanging yourself to a fan or kicking the shit out of life…. you decide that enough is enough and let me put an end to it. You happily march to the local store, purchase a mask and wear it like Heath Ledger “Why so serious”.


Like Joker, you keep smiling and keep confusing masses … making them think Life is so beautiful. You don’t allow anyone to dive deep into your heart and fathom the pain you are hiding the whole day.

Smile a lot… and as Joker says it’s easy than explaining what’s killing you inside. Let people think you have moved on from the trauma and think that you have bounced back. Because they would anyways not understand that

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal”.*

But hey , what about the fear that you have masked behind the mask?


It still exists… It will endure. It thrives forever. Because the fear knows you are a chicken and you love people indefinitely until you have the last piece of soul to trade with the pain. And I have now come to terms with this fear. I have given up fighting against it. I don’t want to conquer it. I want it to conquer me. To infest on me… and to feed all the left overs of my soul. Because I can’t give up on life… at least let the fear do the job for me. For what better job does it have other than invoking fear?

What’s your biggest fear?

*One of my fav quotes from an Irish Tombstone


Banana Pancakes Recipe for Heart

The other day I was busy looking for some light hearted song and I found this one…. There is something with this song. It’s not much of a complicated lyrical song but it’s a simple song…. But the tunes and the lyrics are catchy.

This one song made me a fan of Jack Jhonson.

Here is another song which I enjoyed from the same singer:

When my time comes around Lay me gently in the cold dark earth. No grave can hold my body down I’ll crawl home to her

On a rainy day, I spent listening to this song… Somewhere inside me the lyrics perfectly connected all the dots inside my heart. No words can aptly describe some of the memories in our lives. After “Take Me To Church” I think this is the second best song I have heard from Hozier.

The lyrics are here:

Boys workin’ on empty
Is that the kind’a way to face the burning heat?
I just think about my baby
I’m so full of love I could barely eat
There’s nothing sweeter than my baby
I’d never want once from the cherry tree
‘Cause my baby’s sweet as can be
She give me toothaches just from kissin’ me
When my time comes around
Lay me gently in the cold dark earth
No grave can hold my body down
I’ll crawl home to her
Boys when my baby found me
I was three days on a drunken sin
I woke with her walls around me
Nothin’ in her room but an empty crib
And I was burnin’ up a fever
I didn’t care much how long I lived
But I swear I thought I dreamed her
She never asked me once about the wrong I did
When my time comes around
Lay me gently in the cold dark earth
No grave can hold my body down
I’ll crawl home to her
When my time comes around
Lay me gently in the cold dark earth
No grave can hold my body down
I’ll crawl home to her
My baby never fret none
About what my hands and my body done
If the lord don’t forgive me
I’d still have my baby and my babe would have me
When I was kissing on my baby
And she put her love down soft and sweet
In the lowland plot I was free
Heaven and hell were words to me
When my time comes around
Lay me gently in the cold dark earth
No grave can hold my body down
I’ll crawl home to her
When my time comes around
Lay me gently in the cold dark earth
No grave can hold my body down
I’ll crawl home to her
Songwriters: Andrew Hozier Byrne

#114 – K9 Security Against Emotional Distress

Share a photo that depicts your interpretation of “security.”

Source: Security

“You have two dogs, good for us” said my neighbour when I first came home with my second baby “Arrow” – a five year old Labrador Retriever Mix. I said “They are more than just a security guard for my house”.

Many people told me that I have to forget my social life and my hobbies etc once I get dogs in my home. Actually, they were true. I had to sacrifice a lot of things which were dear to me. But they were all worth it.

People still feel it was one of the most regretting decisions of my life to adopt two sick dogs. But I don’t give a damn. My dogs are my security system from the cruel cunning outside world. They provide me emotional companionship which nobody else in this world can give. They wrap me with unlimited cuddles and countless number of unconditional moments. They surround me with paws that heal my emotional ups and downs.

So, yes they are my security guards but not guards for my materialistic prospects. They guard me against negativity and uplift me to an entirely different world. My daily walks with them are filled with deep connecting moments with Mother Nature. There is a hell lot of difference from how we humans see life and how dogs see their day to day lives. They live for the present moment and don’t care about anything other than that.

The photo here was taken when I was preparing my morning breakfast. Look how obediently they are eyeing the food and their mom 🙂

So the next time when you think of getting dogs into your life, please don’t think they are just security guards for your homes. They are much more than that. They are no less than a family member. Paws heal more scars than any other therapist can.



#113 – Don’t Count Your Happiness By Those Selfies

Not long ago, one of my new friends, asked me to share a smiling photo of me and to my surprise…. out of all the 5000 photos just a handful of them were smiley selfies of mine. My good friend , for a moment gave me a complex as to whether I was really happy in my life or not….

After a brief contemplation, I asked myself that ….was it all about smiley faces that act an index of happiness? A selfie where I am smiling cannot depict the exact state of my heart. If that was the cause, then all the fashion models in this world would be the most happiest souls in this world. One recent study says, two thirds of all models suffer from depression, anxiety and body image issues. This is a good example for the fact, plastic smiles are easily available in this real world.  So what is happiness according to you? According to me? Let’s keep it very simple.

It’s that moment when you see a Shahrukh Khan song on Television

It’s me waking up to the sound of a KTM Motorcylce early in the morning

It’s the warmth of a brother’s hug

It’s the warmth of a friend’s support when you are down

It’s those moments when people support your passion and help you transform the world around you

Happiness is being myself and inspiring others to get comfortable in their own skin

Happiness is purely my choice….. And should not be dependent on anyone.

It’s not the number of smiley selfies that you share on Instagram

It’s beneath you …. skin deep….

Happiness is remembering a dead person and still being able to smile at all their jokes….

Happiness is in short, letting go of negativity and embracing positivity.

Where is your happiness hiding? And how do you measure your happiness?



#112 – Is Being Someone Else Really Worth It?

People ask me why are you so rude and short tempered at times. Because, they refuse to understand why am I creating a situation, where other people would keep their mouth shut and move on. My answer to these folks is simple.
“I am who I am… and I hate being someone else because it’s just not worth it and if I feel something is wrong, I go all the way to fight back against it”.

Was I like this since day one ? No. For a brief period, I used to live a life of someone else… which was didn’t feel like me. I used to feel sad and drained all the time for no reason.No matter how cheerful the day used to, but sooner or later I was sad.

But one day my life changed. Thanks to Steve Jobs and his wonderful autobiography written by Walter Isaacson. The ruthless accounts of people abusing him and he in turn asking the writer to retain it opened my eyes. When a man of that huge persona can bare it all infront of readers what am I?

The below lines have had a profound impact on me.

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.
Almost everything—all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure—these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.
Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it, and that is how it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It’s life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.”

It was sort of realization time to know who am I beneath this flesh and bones? That’s when I got to know I am not the one that the world is seeing me today. I am someone else. I am not the sad and depressed soul but the world’s most happiest person. So what is holding on? My fears…. My own self limitations were holding me back from being ME.

The moment I started feeling I should be my own, life became so simple. I don’t have to hide my anger, my pain, my feelings for someone just because “log kya kahenge”. All I had to was express myself. Be myself. I earned most of my good friends this way. I got people whom I love more than myself. The energy surrounding me now is completely different. I feel more positive each day and more motivated to do things which I am good at. It’s totally not worth being someone else in your life. It just drains you off all the energy in this process and makes you worthless.

Always be an original piece rather than die as a photocopied version of someone else. Its fine… if you are a chutiya (asshole) be a chutiya (asshole). Don’t try to hide that. Because someday some asshole is going to love you for the same reasons. The moment you try to become someone else, your downfall starts. People easily recognize what’s genuine and what’s not, just in a matter of few seconds. With this I end this short blog post along with a small video which inspires me day in and day out to be who I am.



#111 – How Do You Eat An Elephant?

Today marks the end of my 2016 Book Reading Challenge where I completed my goal of completing 15 books before the year ends. Last year I had this lofty goal of completing 100 books in a year and I ended up reading only 16. That’s when I got to know that in order to fulfill lofty goals, it is equally important to stay focused towards your goal and work double hard towards making it happen. Once in a month, if you slowly read paragraph by paragraph you are never going to finish 100 books !

So, this year when the 2016 challenge was announced on Goodreads, I resolved to read 1 Book. Yes, you read it right, I resolved to read just 1 book. Some of my friends on Goodreads raised their eyebrows looking at this silly decision of mine. A friend even asked “Just 1?” . I said yes “It is one book at a time”. I once read in a book, that if you want to eat an elephant… How would you eat it? In this case, the author referred to the problems of our lives as “elephants”.

Here is his beautiful analogy. No task gets completed if you get scared just by looking at it. It is always a good practice to divide the large task into small dices and then start eating it LIVE one by one. You manage to eat hundreds of elephants with this simple approach. Even with books, with the kind of work schedule and office work I had, it was impossible for me to complete even one book  with the number “100” dangling on my Goodreads profile all the time. Hence I decided to trash those double zeroes and KISS (keep it simple stupid). And the result was I managed to read more than last year with less stress. My brain somehow was way more relaxed.

Maybe, that’s why scientists say “Written goals have more power over the unwritten unrealistic ones”. Soon after I finished each book, I kept on progressing with another book. So by reading one book at a time, and resisting the temptation to buy more and more books and not reading them… I plunged into taking actions. Every day before sleeping I made a habit of reading atleast 10 pages. In this way, I used to get better sleep and also finish off one book each month.

Somehow, the strategy just worked for me. I further applied this strategy to all walks of my life, by tackling one issue at a time. Life seems to be much more simpler and happier now. 98% of all problems can be solved if we don’t panic and calmed the fuck down. What’s your strategy in dealing with problems/achieving goals in your life?



#110 – The Workaholic Syndrome

Off late many of my friends offer me suggestions like “You got to slow down girl !! You need to take rest blah blah blah”. But there are quite a few of them who stand beside me and cheer me up to say “You go girl… You can do it”. These are the people who I like to be with.

Doesn’t matter what happens, these are the people who motivate me to pursue my passion so relentlessly. They give me a complex and make me feel “What the f*** am I doing now?”.

A good friend once said “These days I am terribly sad because I am confused whether it is me running the life or the reverse”. And this is almost the same case everywhere, except for few people like you and me who are trying to wake up each day with the same passion in their eyes.

Be it blogging, photography, motorcycling or reading or something… every man should have some or the other passion in order to keep his mind from getting drained in mindless drama. The more I get time to pursue my hobbies, the most I enjoy.

When others see my pain, I see the long term benefits behind this painful phase of my life. Because as Gary Vee says

And yes…. this is what I like. How much do you burn out on an average rate per day? Do you feel/strained?

Let me know your comments.



#109 – What My Typhoid Relapse Taught Me

Image result for there are no accidents quote kung fu panda

This is what is the current state of mind is. Like that of Panda…. getting worried of too many if’s and but’s. Why not… life has thrown so many challenges and accidents all at once in my life… not once twice in the same year….


Yes. I completely agree with what Master Oogway says. There are no accidents. It’s all in your head and you are the master of your destiny. And sometimes, as Master Oogway says your destiny often lies on the path that you were trying to avoid all the while.

Forks on the road called life, are there for a purpose. It helps us realize the value of those choices we make at each fork. For a very long time, I had this habit of running away from things which gives me a premonition that “Tumse na ho payega”.

But after a brief sick leave spanning for around 3 weeks, I now have the clarity of what I want in life, who I want to be and what I want to do with it. I want to burn those feelings of regret and replace them with fire which keeps my passion alive. Due to a relapse of Typhoid, I was much much sick last month and I could not do anything barely eating and sleeping for hours together. During one of those never ending moments of staring the ceiling , I got to know so many harsh realities of life. Primary ones are listed below here:

  1. People are filled with drama. Each one of them. For each purpose of their own. You cannot reform all of them, but you can choose to be a better person each day and replace that negativity.
  2. Not all people are meant to be in your life all the time. There are times even without your consent, people just disappear out of your life without giving any reasons. Don’t give up on humanity. Be a better person by being there for someone who needs you out there.
  3. Problems are uniform for each and every person. You are not special to be treated well by this society. You too are as flawed as this society. So instead of trying to perfect your surroundings, you should try to be a better person and atleast try to keep your surroundings positive. Unnecessary panics are useless. Panic doesn’t solve problems.
  4. Know yourself. There can be no better friend than your subconscious mind. Make the best use of it.

Is there any situation which helped you to learn some major lessons of life? Please share it below in the comments.



#108 – Numbered Days Of Your Life

There are days when you feel that the day was incredibly short and there are days when you feel the entire day was #superboring. But ultimately the harsh reality of life is your life is finite and each day is precious.

Sometimes its tough to push yourself through all the odds and wake up early next morning and work hard towards your goals. Other times, it is exciting to work as early as eff and start running towards your dreams. What keeps us awake and what makes us turn off from our goals?

It’s nothing but our attitude towards each situation. Many people ask me how do I manage to read a minimum of 10 books each year. The answer is simple. I don’t force myself to read. Instead I have made reading books a habit. And many dumbfucks ask me why read so many books…what do you get…. I still have not been able to come up with a nose punching answer for them because my nose is busy hiding behind walls of a thick book.

I recently read this article of visualizing your life in weeks…. and after reading that I felt what the eff am I even doing in my life. I then realized I have one beautiful blog waiting there to get updated since ages. Hence I have decided to keep this blog a little bit real time and start posting as much as I can from today.

Life is highly unpredictable. You never know when you are going to be dead. So before that, either do something which makes your life worth while or either write something which will make others feel motivated and stay positive. Today was one such day for me. Thanks to team Buffer for always pushing writers to write write write….

What is that one thing you that you once used to do regularly and have stopped now….

Find out that one reason which kept you alive and pursue it with all your might.

Don’t be afraid of taking the big leaps…. Just do it.